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Dreaming of a Soulmate?

4 Steps to Prepare You for the Real Thing


We are never too old for and can never know too much about love. It is both a force of transformation and the outcome of all great transformations. Love with a soul mate is a journey of intimacy with profound possibilities for growth and transformation. Love is not for the emotionally lazy for it demands that you be both deeply in touch with yourself while being fully open and available to another. If you feel the longing for a soul mate, get prepared for a dream come true with the following steps:


1. Know the Difference Between a Fantasy and a Dream.


The dream of having a soul mate asks you to:

  • Be in touch with yourself and your deepest heartfelt desire.
  • Be willing to know and love what is actually true in an other, neither idealizing them into a fantasy version nor denying their rough edges.
  • Be open to bonding in such a way that together you create a transformative vessel, a place where you each can develop into the person you are meant to become. 


When it comes to love, everyone is prone to fantasy. Take an honest look at what you are longing for. Is it a fantasy or a dream?  Do you secretly desire:

  • An adult version of a childhood story  (Prince Charming, a sugar daddy, or a person who meets all of your needs.) 
  • Someone who will magically make you feel whole and with whom you will never feel hurt. 

Those are fantasies that distract from realizing your dream. Fantasies turn you into an observer, tantalized by idealistic rewards and imagined feelings all of which block your movement forward.


Even at midlife, we might be unclear about the elements that create a dreamy, healthy relationship. Take a look at the relational role models you’ve had. Did your parents have a good relationship? What standards have you adopted based upon movies or television? If you would like to be clear about what it means to have a healthy relationship, look into Chuck Spezzano’s book entitled If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love. It provides simple but solid relational principles. Susan Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight is very user friendly. And for the spiritually inclined, Thomas Moore’s Soul Mates has a great deal of depth to offer.


2. Don’t Ignore Your Fears


If you want a soul mate relationship and it hasn’t happened yet, ask yourself. “What have I been afraid to do, feel or change in order to have a soul mate?”


Many people don’t pay attention to the parts of themselves that fear the realization of their dreams. Past relational wounds may cause us to unconsciously avoid taking emotional risks. Other parts of us might not trust that we are capable of being open, or intimate without being overwhelmed.


Listen to the parts of you that are afraid of living out your dream. Find out what these parts need from you in order to feel safe while still moving forward.


3. Have a Vision

A soul mate is the person with whom you can share and commit to a common, heartfelt purpose and vision. Get clear on what you want this to be, it will help you to stay focused on finding and getting what you want. Here are some of the vision statements I have seen being effectively lived-out between soul mates:


  • We are both family and foundation, making life safe and secure for ourselves as a couple and for our family.
  • We are companions in adventure, sharing and supporting each other on the journey.
  • We are each a key, unlocking the willing heart of the other to discover ever greater depths of love.
  • We are together for the purpose of spiritual and emotional growth.
  • We are a team sharing a common purpose (i.e. making the world a better place).
  • Our connection creates great happiness, confidence, expansion and inspiration for each of us.


4. Be Proactive

We don’t live in a time or culture where marriages are arranged, where women must wait for men to initiate, nor are we ever too old to fall in love. We can and must be responsible for making our dreams come true, creating desired outcomes by taking action. It may feel strange for a 50+ woman to use an internet dating service, sign up for a singles event, or ask friends for introductions, but these are now very normal steps in the journey toward finding a partner. To date and find a soul mate today means willingly, intentionally and actively taking steps to make the dream a reality.  Find a Husband After 35 (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School) by Rachel Greenwald, is a good resource for merging your smart, practical, goal-seeking side with your heart felt longings.


Soul Meetings Prepare You For Soul Mating


We may believe that it is within one, single, sexual connection that we will find satisfaction for our deepest longings. Yet, every relationship has the potential for being a Soul Meeting—that is:

  • an intentional encounter in which you are your most authentic self,
  • showing up fully for another,
  • offering your heart generously, and
  • being met by the presence of the other. 


Soul meetings are immensely pleasurable and satisfying. Think of the soul meetings you’ve already had in your life with children, a dear friend, a partner, or perhaps a co-worker. Those are encounters of the most satisfying kind. When soul meetings are part of a relational commitment, you have a soul mate.


As it’s been said “When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take ‘No’ for an answer.”